Comando Generale per la Tutela del Riso e Repressione dei Reati Culinari
Since 1857, this corps has stood between the Republic and the desecration of its rice. We do not negotiate. We do not forgive microwaved biryani. We are here, and we are watching.
We are the silent line between civilization and culinary collapse. Where the unworthy reach for shortcuts, we are there. Where someone reaches for the microwave, we are there. Where a tourist asks for "biryani but spicy" while wearing flip-flops, we are already in the kitchen.
The Republic does not protect the rice. We do.
Patrols of restaurants, weddings, and Tuesday night family dinners.
Rapid response to suspected pineapple inclusion.
Forensic analysis of suspiciously wet biryani.
Re-education of those who eat with a fork.
If you have information leading to the apprehension of any of the following individuals, contact your nearest Comando immediately.
Subject reheated three-day-old biryani at 800W for ninety seconds. Texture lost. Soul departed. Considered armed and unrepentant.
Subject was observed adding fresh pineapple to a Hyderabadi dum biryani at a wedding in Modena. Six guests have not recovered.
Has used cutlery on biryani in three separate jurisdictions. Last seen in Bologna asking for ‘a knife, just in case.’
Sold a yellow rice dish at a food market in Naples under false biryani pretenses. International warrant issued.
An abridged extract from the official statutes. Full code available upon subpoena.
Reheating biryani in a microwave oven.
Insertion of pineapple, fresh or canned, into rice-bearing dishes.
Failure to fry the onions to the correct shade of ‘regret-brown.’
Eating biryani with a fork when fingers are biologically available.
Calling pulao ‘biryani.’
Discarding the crispy bottom layer of the handi.
Serving biryani without raita and pretending nothing is wrong.
Adding ketchup. Penalty determined by tribunal.
Fines are doubled if the offense occurs on a Sunday.
Witness a violation? File the paperwork. Justice waits for no one.
Recent communications from the Ufficio Stampa.
The substance, marketed as ‘authentic Persian saffron,’ was determined to be turmeric mixed with marigold petals. Three individuals are in custody. The Comando reminds the public: if the price is too good, the rice will be too sad.
This office condemns in the strongest possible terms the establishment that, on the evening of 19 April, served biryani inside a flour tortilla. The premises have been padlocked pending investigation. The owner has fled to Switzerland.
The Arma is accepting applications from candidates with a discerning palate, a steady hand, and zero tolerance for soggy rice. Minimum three years of home-cooked biryani experience required. Apply via dead-drop at any Comando.
By continuing to use this site you waive your right to silence regarding biryani-related matters. Anything you scroll may be used against you.